The secret

I read this really fascinating book on the weekend called “Sex at Dawn” (thanks, Kris!). Not just a book about the fundamental differences between men, women, and our historical and anthropological sexuality – when we had a much more liberal and openly promiscuous and healthy view of sex minus all the bullshit that religion shoves down our collective throats – this book is about much more.

It outlines that much of our world and how our ancestors lived in it changed as a result of agriculture, and not necessarily for the better. Not at all for the better…Actually. Land became property and the only way that one could get more of it is if you agreed to “marry into the family” and have babies to look after things. Or you could take the land through war. Marrying money meant that on paper you had an exchange of one resource for another – the use of a woman’s vagina and womb for land rights. Pleasant.

Personally, the only thing better for me in this era is that I get to be here to experience this life… And no one exchanged me for an acre of land, thank god. And, surely at my age, I might have been dead already living in most other times in human history. If things had not worked out as they have, I wouldn’t be here to write this. Aren’t you lucky? So, it’s a double edged sword.

After all, we are just intelligent lumbering apes who are occupying our time until we die. We eat, sleep, fuck and shit, and still manage to find time to love one another somehow and be productive… I know, uplifting, isn’t it?

But seriously. Why are we doing stupid shit that doesn’t matter? And why have we been doing it for so long? What is wealth anyway and why are people so goddamn hungry for it? I think change, and it better come fast, is in order.

As I watched some footage tonight about the protests in Montreal, and then watched a short video where someone said that the $1 trillion dollars the US spent on Iraq was worth it (to whom? Of course to Haliburton, et. al.), several things all coalesced in my sleepy brain:

1. Everything is made up (that’s not a new one for me if you know me at all…)

2. We certainly spend a lot of money on things that don’t matter… In the name of religion, imaginary borders, soul-sucking corporations, and our fear of mortality. There are major imbalances between what we think is right and what actually may be right.

3. We are mostly by-products of chaos. There’s no rhyme or reason, there just is. People make too much of things, and for all intents and purposes, I probably believe in some sort of universal power force, but “he” certainly isn’t a dad, doesn’t have a name and I’m sure his zombie son didn’t resurrect 2000 years ago. Call me crazy.

4. Some higher power must have a sense of humour if they granted humans “higher” intelligence…. ’cause what do we do with it? Dig up land and fling bits of it at one another, and slowly kill ourselves and each other in the process. What could we be doing with it? Absolutely anything.

We be dumb, dumb apes.

Raymond’s Last Party…

“On the day they lay me down/Want everyone to gather ‘round/And say he was a father, brother, neighbour and a friend/He was a good man!” — Emerson Drive

Raymond was swept away too soon, and he certainly was A Good Man when he was here.

Correction (thanks Maribeth):  Raymond was the *second* one of the grand-kid generation to go.  My cousin Lorna passed away 7 years ago.  I don’t think I ever knew that, and maybe I did, but I don’t remember, and it’s sad that I didn’t, and I’m even more saddened that I wasn’t closer to my Uncle Delmer and Aunt Joyce’s kids.  Distance can separate family as much as time can bring them together.  Randy, Lorna’s brother, hosted Raymond’s last party at his house on Saturday.  I remember them up at the farm all the time when I was little.  Life is strange sometimes…  How do we all float apart from one another?  There is something to be said for a common family homestead.  When Grandma moved away, and the farm was sold, it didn’t give us a reason to all congregate any more…

Up until now, on my mom’s side of the family, we’ve lost many family members…  A handful of my first cousins died in infancy or childhood but this was a tough one for many of us of the Charlie and Mary grand-kid generation.  I’m the second youngest, and even though 2o years or so separated Raymond and I, and I’m closer in age with his children, it still wasn’t easy.  He was more like an uncle to me than a cousin.  That crazy uncle who you loved to have around to hear the stories from, that always had a joke to tell, and that really wanted to know what was going on in your life (mostly so he could tease you).  That kind of uncle.

He didn’t want anyone to be sad on Saturday.  He set it up so we could have a party.  He set it up so it would be short and sweet so we could get to the good stuff.  Just like he wanted.

We had country and rock music in the funeral parlour; old pictures on the screen; and a bottle of alcohol passed around at the cemetery for those that wanted to share one last round with Raymond.  It was him.  It was great.

Dammit.  Adam, his oldest son, and I were saying that it’s only going to get harder as the years go by.  That’s a given.

I have stuff to do.  I better get to it.  Nothing like mortality to refocus what’s important and meaningful in your life.

Thank you, Raymond.  Thank you.

Exercise Killed The Cardio Star

And….  We’re back.  Back at the Y that is.  Haven’t really been there for well over 6 months.  I noticed in my log book that I did go a few times in December, but that was short-lived.  Tonight I was back, with a vengeance…or at least with a small roar.  My goal is to start back twice a week, then increase to 3-4 times again.  I can do it!  Need to carve that time out again.  It fell off my life radar.

5 things I noticed tonight…having been away for so long…that I’d like to share with you.

1.  Can’t eat the same volume of food without exercise.  Hence, going back to gym.  With summer coming and food and beer to be had, that whole gaining weight thing will come to an end.  Not that I have, really, gained anything…I’ve fluctuated between 162 and 169 for the past 6 months, which in my books is awesome since that’s only maintenance through eating.  If you want to know how I do that, get in touch with me.

2.  My lungs and heart will need to be coaxed into giving me the same level of effort that I had grown accustomed to.  And, my lungs and heart were pretty weak to begin with…  I had a wee flashback to that first night at Greco in 2007 tonight.  Not as bad, just a wee flashback.  But, I managed to get through my entire list of exercises, and even did a little more than the minimum, not with weight (which will take me a while to get back to) but with volume of exercises.  It only took me an hour and forty minutes.  I think that’s pretty darn good.

Here’s the list:

500 skip rotations (50 per 1 min on/1 min off)

3 sets of Triple Extensions (4) – Hang Power Clean (2) – Overhead Presses (3 – back and front) with a 15kg bar

Dumbbell Presses 2 sets of 8 with 20lbs; 2 sets of 15 with 15 lbs

Chinup Holds at parallel to bar 5 sets ranging in hold times of 7-10 seconds approx.

Hamstring curls on a machine 3 sets using 20lbs

3.  A 15kg bar is heavy if you haven’t lifted it in a while.  But, the weight feels good in your hands.  It’s a little addicting.

4.  I immediately wanted to eat a salad afterwards.  I felt awake and I didn’t want to eat crap.  I like exercising for this very reason.  Natural stimulant.

5.  I enjoy exercising.  I missed it.  I know this might sound ridiculous, because who enjoys exercising, right?  It goes back to me being more present in the moment and having to focus on something physical rather than the mental processes always going on in my head.

That’s all for now, folks.

Goodnight crazy world.

If the world were the other way around…

Two interesting conversations that I was either a part of or overheard today, that if the way the world worked was in fact the other way around, no one would ever go for…

1.  Imagine if someone told a full-time working artist (take any discipline from actor to xylophone instructor), that in order to feel more fulfilled, they should become an office administrator as a hobby.

My analysis:  Office administration is seen as something like a “real” job, while Art is something “most” people consider as a “hobby” that should balance out your “real” life.  Mostly everyone loves art, or artistic things, or likes to support something artistic, BUT, it’s not considered real life.

2.  That no one should ever get paid for creative work they do.  If I didn’t pay for something that someone created, but I’m not using it to get any financial reward, everything’s cool.

My analysis:  Loads of people make use of content that isn’t theirs.  Not rightfully.  “Personal use” does not mean that because you “can” get something for free, that you can “use” it whatever way you want.  Someone had to create that thing you just saw/used/etc., and chances are it wasn’t you.  You do not hold any “rights” to it, unless you purchase it.  People deserve to get paid for the work they do, whether you agree or not.

In reference to #1 above – wouldn’t you be pissed to go to “real” work for 40 hours a week, 52 weeks a year (maybe with a few holidays thrown in) and not get paid?

Think about that for a second as you contemplate #2.

Impact

I went to see The Vow yesterday with a good friend of mine, my best friend really.  We’ve known each other for 37+ years.

The movie itself was interesting.  My friend works with adults with brain injuries…  what the movie it about.  Imagine, waking up from an impact and not remembering your life.  Some, I’m sure, would welcome it.  You get a redo, a chance to go back and start again.  I can’t even imagine.

The movie plays heavy on the idea that life is a series of moments that impact us.  From conception on really, if you choose to look at the big picture.  I tend to believe this is true.

I’ve had a few – the last big one I had was in Fall of 2006 and the most recent big one was October 8, 2011.  In 2006 it was with a hydro pole, in October it was with a person.  2006 – Physically; 2011 – Emotionally.  Either way, it brought me to a place of being more consciously aware.  I think of it like peeling an onion.

I’ve had other ones along the way – meeting people, getting to work with people.  Changing jobs, etc.

What do we do with those opportunities where something is in front of us?  Do we notice them when they happen?  The big ones we have to live through, for good or bad.  The small ones might be so small that they go unnoticed until years later.

I can tell you one thing – the emotional ones sometimes leave you breathless.  You live with your emotions everyday…  how can they be so…  unknown?  But, you make concessions, and you make excuses.  At some point, like when I decided to go to Greco, you have to stop making excuses…even for the people you want to remain in your life.

There’s drama attached to those big moments of impact –  at least there is for me.  I used to think that I didn’t like drama, but man, when I’m in it, I’m in it.  It’s hard to step out of that fucking river sometimes.  It’s familiar — the unpredictable nature of emotions, mistrust and deprivation.  It’s seductive.  I know it.  But, at least now I know what I’m feeling.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

~ Portia Nelson ~

I think I hear Ireland calling my name again… uh–oh…

Or maybe it’s Iceland?  Either way, I feel a trip coming on.  Go.  Somewhere.

I’ve been doing alot of thinking lately about what the next thing is.  I don’t want to be in the same position 5 years from now, wondering why I didn’t do anything about anything.  I’ve been making slow changes on a whole lotta levels, and I know that what I have the courage to do now will allow me to live a more full and rich life later on.  It’s just hard sometimes, and escaping everything is a seductive option.

So, what do I want then in the here and now?  Good question.  The following was inspired from a friend’s blog post.

I’d like to be able to live day to day, and not worry so much about a future that hasn’t happened yet.  We are setup to always be worrying about this and that – retirement, investments, blah, blah.  I know it’s important stuff, but it’s boring…  (must be my last born child syndrome talking…)  I want to know who you are and what you think about, and who you’ve loved, not how much money you’ve amassed.

I’d like to wake up every day with a renewed sense of myself and what my potential is.  I find that I get bogged down in the day-to-day habits and I don’t often think about how rich and full my life is.  I am pretty lucky.  I’ve got a family and friend support network and I have special people I can count on when things are tough.

I’d like to experience that all encompassing love, the kind I read about, where the other person cares as much about you as they do for themselves…  and, me being the person that I am, I would give them the same if not more in return.  Equals.

I guess what it really boils down to is wanting to share this crazy journey with someone.  I’m wondering when that’s gonna happen..

The Minimalists

I’ve been following Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus for a few months now on their blog.  They speak about smart things, and they are living a more meaningful life.  I downloaded Joshua’s book from Amazon too.  A short story collection.

Two corporate gents, who left their lives and embarked on something new to create more happiness.  And, they don’t live anywhere fancy.  They live in Dayton, Ohio.

I also follow them on Google, where it’s super easy to interact with them.

Thought I would share.

There are no magic bullshit bullets in life… NONE

I don’t often talk about weight loss or food planning unless someone asks me or someone is being misinformed. It’s a very personal thing, for everyone. Those who know me well know that I used to weigh 220lbs, not that long ago really — just under 5 years ago — You can see the pictures. And, I was miserable because of it. I had a whole host of things wrong with me like high blood pressure, arthritis, strange pains, and I was probably close to being pre-Diabetic. That’s what this whole damn blog was about.

Food isn’t scary. Carbs, protein and fat aren’t scary. Food is just those ingredients smashed together into funny shapes. Those ingredients ultimately become you. Think about it like that. Pay attention to what you want to become.

If you are thinking about food, and losing weight… I beg of you. Do your homework, but please don’t be afraid of REAL food. The body is very adaptable. Remember, you gained the weight somehow… There are NO MAGIC BULLETS.

Any “system” that proclaims to change your life… is complete and total BULLSHIT, unless it involves exercise and proper nutrition. Even having gastric bypass. You still need to be cognizant of the food that travels over your lips. I can’t stress that enough. Rapid weight loss is rarely sustainable. For anyone, under any circumstance. The entire $6B dollar diet industry depends on duping you to make a buck… and I call bullshit.

Your body likes to stay in “stasis”. It doesn’t like to be disturbed and it will do everything and anything it has to, including cannibalizing your tissue, to keep alive. It’s also really efficient at storing extra calories for a rainy day or under periods of high stress. Look it up.

I don’t proclaim to have all the answers, I’m not an expert, and I don’t think what I did — the combination of Greco Lean&Fit, food planning and weight training — is the golden ticket for everyone either… It worked for me — I was at the right place in my life to make it happen. And, by God, I wanted it to happen.

It helped that I had an awesome trainer at Greco to help me out. But, Brad didn’t do the work for me. I achieved results, others who followed a similar plan, did not. My results were all me. You always know that you should be eating better, but until it’s on a sheet in front of you, it’s all hocus-pocus. “Yeah, yeah,” I said, “I eat fine.” Like hell I did. He knew I wasn’t telling the whole story.

I am encouraged though when my niece tells me that she got a very similar nutrition plan, just a few weeks ago, from a professional. Someone who does know. I attribute it to the fact that my plan made sense. It has to make sense, folks. If you could drink a powder every morning and call it a day for your nutrition, does that make fucking sense to you? C’mon!

I am at a point now, having really been away from the gym for close to 6 months, that I haven’t gained any significant amount of weight. At the most 10 lbs, and I’m currently sitting at 165.2 lbs. And, I still keep check periodically.

I am not afraid of the scale. It’s a guage as to where I’m at. I don’t get attached to what it tells me.

But, I also can’t eat the quantities I did when I was working out 3-4 times a week either. That’s simple math. I know how my body responds and when I need more or less of something. That’s it. That’s how it works for me now. If I have pizza, then, maybe I can’t eat a bagel. If I have a bowl of ice cream, then I don’t have a beer. And, any of my friends will tell you that I eat fairly normally.

Food isn’t scary. There are however a whole host of diet and weight loss products out there, that cost real money, that people buy into, that are scary. Why? Because can you honestly say that you are realistically going to take this product for the rest of your life? You might as well not shell out the money for the product and get the meds the doctor is going to give you. Same fucking difference. What’s the point in fooling yourself any longer?

I’ll end my rant now… but lastly…

Three things: Don’t be afraid of food, don’t buy into a system and do the work. You’ll be so much better off.

Flash

Definition: To burst or break forth with a sudden and transient flood of flame and light; as, the lighting flashes vividly; the powder flashed.

Everything could be over before you know it.  All the love, worry, happiness, and loss.  Here one day, gone the next.  Sure, most of us aren’t on death’s door, but you just never know when you won’t see a loved one again, or even someone like your butcher or your hair dresser, or the lady who smiles at you when you’re in line with your groceries at 1:20am.  You never know when they might not see you again.  You know the saying, “Gone in a flash.”

Life has these amazing moments.  They might be little – like a spark – or big – like a falling star.  They might tell you something, they might light up a way through a hard time.

Could be a coincidence.  Could be divine intervention.  Could be a hundred things.  Could be nothing.

People are like that too.  They may not be “flashy”, but there is something about them that burns – either like sparks from hot embers, or like a sudden burst of light.  They’re fiery individuals, who once met, will change your life.

Either way, you are transformed.

 

 

Been away for three months…

Lots of things have changed, most notably me, but other things I’m only going to share in private conversations.

I took an Intensive Acting class in November, nearly killed me…. but it opened me up in ways I didn’t believe I could.  Acting is TOUGH BUSINESS… and I have an immense fear of performance.  I’m good in small groups, but in front of a “crowd”, it’s just not really “me”.

At the same time I was also doing pretty intensive Reiki, and that was fantastic.  If you get the chance to do this, you must.  If you open yourself to the experience, you might not be the same.

Been doing lots of self-reflection exercises and whatnot and I’m learning to let go of some strange inner conflict that I didn’t know I had.  Part of realizing what that was, was also realizing the types of people I’m attracted to.  They too, have all kinds of nasty inner conflict.  I’m not sure if others are immune to some of it, but I think I’m attracted to the particularly destructive kind.  The drunk, destructive kind.  I’m working on that too.

Had a fun night at NYE 2012 in Montreal.  I was told that I was particularly brave for showing up alone to the event.  It felt alright to me.  I had lots of fun.  I knew that some others were on their way.  But, part of that is me getting back to being me.

And from now on, that’s the only person I’m going to be.  If that means I’m too nice, too smart, too kind, or too “good” for someone, that’s their problem…  certainly not mine.  They can suck it.

And if I have to, I’ll kill everyone with kindness.  And think, that person could be dead by midnight.  Who am I to not treat them well?  I know I won’t always get the same in return, but if I did everything in my life as a way to get something from someone else, well hell, I’d be sadly disappointed ALL THE TIME…  I would have likely given up on humanity by now.  But, thankfully, there are other kind souls out there who share some of the same qualities I do.

You reap what you sow, indeed.