Food isn’t scary. Carbs, protein and fat aren’t scary. Food is just those ingredients smashed together into funny shapes. Those ingredients ultimately become you. Think about it like that. Pay attention to what you want to become.

If you are thinking about food, and losing weight… I beg of you. Do your homework, but please don’t be afraid of REAL food. The body is very adaptable. Remember, you gained the weight somehow… There are NO MAGIC BULLETS.

Any “system” that proclaims to change your life… is complete and total BULLSHIT, unless it involves exercise and proper nutrition. Even having gastric bypass. You still need to be cognizant of the food that travels over your lips. I can’t stress that enough. Rapid weight loss is rarely sustainable. For anyone, under any circumstance. The entire $6B dollar diet industry depends on duping you to make a buck… and I call bullshit.

Your body likes to stay in “stasis”. It doesn’t like to be disturbed and it will do everything and anything it has to, including cannibalizing your tissue, to keep alive. It’s also really efficient at storing extra calories for a rainy day or under periods of high stress. Look it up.

I don’t proclaim to have all the answers, I’m not an expert, and I don’t think what I did — the combination of Greco Lean&Fit, food planning and weight training — is the golden ticket for everyone either… It worked for me — I was at the right place in my life to make it happen. And, by God, I wanted it to happen.

It helped that I had an awesome trainer at Greco to help me out. But, Brad didn’t do the work for me. I achieved results, others who followed a similar plan, did not. My results were all me. You always know that you should be eating better, but until it’s on a sheet in front of you, it’s all hocus-pocus. “Yeah, yeah,” I said, “I eat fine.” Like hell I did. He knew I wasn’t telling the whole story.

I am encouraged though when my niece tells me that she got a very similar nutrition plan, just a few weeks ago, from a professional. Someone who does know. I attribute it to the fact that my plan made sense. It has to make sense, folks. If you could drink a powder every morning and call it a day for your nutrition, does that make fucking sense to you? C’mon!

I am at a point now, having really been away from the gym for close to 6 months, that I haven’t gained any significant amount of weight. At the most 10 lbs, and I’m currently sitting at 165.2 lbs. And, I still keep check periodically.

I am not afraid of the scale. It’s a guage as to where I’m at. I don’t get attached to what it tells me.

But, I also can’t eat the quantities I did when I was working out 3-4 times a week either. That’s simple math. I know how my body responds and when I need more or less of something. That’s it. That’s how it works for me now. If I have pizza, then, maybe I can’t eat a bagel. If I have a bowl of ice cream, then I don’t have a beer. And, any of my friends will tell you that I eat fairly normally.

Food isn’t scary. There are however a whole host of diet and weight loss products out there, that cost real money, that people buy into, that are scary. Why? Because can you honestly say that you are realistically going to take this product for the rest of your life? You might as well not shell out the money for the product and get the meds the doctor is going to give you. Same fucking difference. What’s the point in fooling yourself any longer?

I’ll end my rant now… but lastly…

Three things: Don’t be afraid of food, don’t buy into a system and do the work. You’ll be so much better off.

Everything could be over before you know it.  All the love, worry, happiness, and loss.  Here one day, gone the next.  Sure, most of us aren’t on death’s door, but you just never know when you won’t see a loved one again, or even someone like your butcher or your hair dresser, or the lady who smiles at you when you’re in line with your groceries at 1:20am.  You never know when they might not see you again.  You know the saying, “Gone in a flash.”

Life has these amazing moments.  They might be little – like a spark – or big – like a falling star.  They might tell you something, they might light up a way through a hard time.

Could be a coincidence.  Could be divine intervention.  Could be a hundred things.  Could be nothing.

People are like that too.  They may not be “flashy”, but there is something about them that burns – either like sparks from hot embers, or like a sudden burst of light.  They’re fiery individuals, who once met, will change your life.

Either way, you are transformed.

I took an Intensive Acting class in November, nearly killed me…. but it opened me up in ways I didn’t believe I could.  Acting is TOUGH BUSINESS… and I have an immense fear of performance.  I’m good in small groups, but in front of a “crowd”, it’s just not really “me”.

At the same time I was also doing pretty intensive Reiki, and that was fantastic.  If you get the chance to do this, you must.  If you open yourself to the experience, you might not be the same.

Been doing lots of self-reflection exercises and whatnot and I’m learning to let go of some strange inner conflict that I didn’t know I had.  Part of realizing what that was, was also realizing the types of people I’m attracted to.  They too, have all kinds of nasty inner conflict.  I’m not sure if others are immune to some of it, but I think I’m attracted to the particularly destructive kind.  The drunk, destructive kind.  I’m working on that too.

Had a fun night at NYE 2012 in Montreal.  I was told that I was particularly brave for showing up alone to the event.  It felt alright to me.  I had lots of fun.  I knew that some others were on their way.  But, part of that is me getting back to being me.

And from now on, that’s the only person I’m going to be.  If that means I’m too nice, too smart, too kind, or too “good” for someone, that’s their problem…  certainly not mine.  They can suck it.

And if I have to, I’ll kill everyone with kindness.  And think, that person could be dead by midnight.  Who am I to not treat them well?  I know I won’t always get the same in return, but if I did everything in my life as a way to get something from someone else, well hell, I’d be sadly disappointed ALL THE TIME…  I would have likely given up on humanity by now.  But, thankfully, there are other kind souls out there who share some of the same qualities I do.

You reap what you sow, indeed.

You could almost touch heaven
Right there in front of you
Liberty just slipped away on us
Now there’s so much work to do
Oh the door that closes tightly
Is the door than can swing wide
Oh no, not expecting to collide

For a minute I let my guard down
Not afraid to be found out
I completely forgot dear
What our fears were all about
Oh no,oh no there’s no need to be without

If there’s a chance I would take it,
This desire I won’t kill,
Take my heart please don’t break it, break it
I will crawl to your foothill

I’m frightened but i’m coming
Please baby please lay still
Oh no i’m not coming for the kill
Oh no i’m not coming for the kill
Oh no i’m not coming for the kill

–  The Tea Party, The Messenger

Three themes I’m thinking about today….messages and trust and control.  I’m a little all over the map, so please stay with me.

Messages come to us through language – the words we speak or write, the bodies we see.  We are soft machines.  Our bodies give our thoughts away most of the time.  The little movements of the muscles in our faces, mostly out of our control.  Invisible strings directly from our most interior thoughts to the surface of our skin.  And our hands too.  They touch places of comfort, self-soothing behaviours we have learned to use for our own benefit.

How we reveal our most interior MESSAGES…..we reveal it through TRUST.

The Messenger, to me, is about TRUST.  There is no greater divide between yourself and what you want or between two people than the absence of TRUST.

The opposite of TRUST is CONTROL.  We really control so little, and even less when we come in contact with another soul.  I can stay safe if I remain a hermit, isolate myself so that I may control my entire domain.  That’s not living.  That’s not feeling the scream of your heart in your chest because you want someone to be a witness to your life.  You want to be seen for who you truly are.

Friendships and soulwork are messy businesses to step into.  Friendships, while giving you a place to reveal, is also a place of potential (and extreme) vulnerability.  Those you reveal to can use what they know against you.

Soulwork is where you confront yourself.  Where you let loose the reins of control so your life can take on a different hue.  What is it that you have not even revealed to yourself?

I’ve been studying the soul for nearly 20 years through the writings and teachings of Thomas Moore and James Hillman.

I’m not an expert.  But I’m human, which gives me a right to formulate an opinion…

I’ve talked about TRUST before, boundaries and comfort levels of my little cat, Patchie.  she’s been in my life for what….8 years.

She still doesn’t trust me.  Not completely.

Imagine.  An animal that has no other way to survive, other than me feeding her, and one of the few times she will let me get close to her is when I’m in bed, lying prone, not necessarily sleeping…but certainly in a position that is much less threatening than standing.  Not long ago, she jumped up on the couch beside me, while I was sitting.  I thought it was a huge jump forward.  It only took 8 years.

People show you who they are, either through their actions or their words.

I once had someone tell me that they were a bitch.  I didn’t believe them, because they “seemed” sweet and nice.  Several years later, they showed me.  Loud, clear, the message was delivered.  She was angry, words and actions were said and done, and in my behaviour there was something she did not want to confront or that she wanted me to acknowledge.  And then, I was the one being yelled obscenities at as I stood on the corner of Parkdale and Armstrong in Ottawa.  It wasn’t pleasant.

It takes a strong person to stand and deliver on the tides of the soul.  On the hurt that’s there.  On the shit that we’ve been dealt.

The things we do to one another because we hurt….it’s a wonder the human race has survived this long.

Hurt (Nine Inch Nails)

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that’s real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar’s chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

I went to a cottage party Friday night and Saturday.  I met some new people, as well as caught up with some other people I know from around town.

On Saturday, as soon as I got back to the party, in the middle of the afternoon, one fellow I met asked me if I had a bathing suit.  I was dressed in a black throw meshy style top, over my black bra, and a pair of black stretchy pants that weren’t really heavy so I wouldn’t overheat.  No, I didn’t have a bathing suit.  No?  Nope, I don’t swim.  You don’t swim?  Nope.  Everyone swims.  No, dude, there are lots of people who don’t swim.  (There are lots of people at this party, in fact, who aren’t swimming).  I laughed and walked away.

I snuck out for a bit and went to get some food.  I stopped in at another friend’s place who lives close by.  She says, why aren’t you in shorts?  Because I burn.  Well, wear sunscreen.  I don’t like sunscreen, it makes my skin feel gross.  Well, you’re going to overheat in those pants.  No, they aren’t really pants, they are actually quite light.  Yeah, but they’re black.  I will sit in the shade.  It hasn’t been a problem yet.  (I’ve been dressing myself for years…I think I can manage).

So, I get back to the party.

I’m quietly sitting on a porch, taking everything in.  You see, I do alot of things during my week.  I’m always running around.  It is a rare weekend where I sit for hours on end and do nothing.  I’m overjoyed to be outside, in the country, on a lake, DOING NOTHING.  If people want to talk to me, that’s fine….but I don’t always need company to be happy.

Another fellow I know walks over and asks me what’s wrong.  Nothing, absolutely nothing.  You’re very quiet.  Yep, I like it that way.  People think you’re anti-social.  So?  Well, I haven’t even seen you down by the fire.  I was there for a half an hour (two different times, talking to another cute guy I know).  Oh, I didn’t see you.  (And somehow this has become my problem…?)

A little later, I’m sitting on the porch again, doing nothing.  Guy from bathing suit interlude asks me if I want a beer.  I say no.  He gets one and pulls a chair up way too close to mine.  Do you like the fire?  Yep?  Are you having a good time?  Yep?  Do you want a beer?  Dude, you just asked me 30 seconds ago if I wanted a beer.  What about my answer do you think is going to have changed from the time you got yours until now when you are putting your chair practically in my lap?  You are a dominant one, aren’t you?  I just want to be left alone.  Oh, me too, I am always alone.  No, I want to be left alone.  Yeah, me too, I find that I am always alone.  NO, DUDE, there’s a difference, I WANT to be left alone.  Do you understand?  Well, then why are you here?  I was invited to the party.  Well, the party isn’t on the porch, the party is on the other side.  You’re right, thank you for pointing that out to me, I’m going to go.  (I’m wondering if it’s when people see my blond hair that they think I’m incapable of thinking for myself….or people are just controlling, and I happen to attract them…I’m not sure.)

I went and put my stuff away, and quietly went and sat in my car for a few minutes to collect myself.

I get it.  I look like I’m not having a good time.  I’m not like other people.  I can have a good time staring at the sky for 3 hours.  I can have a good time with my eyes closed thinking.  I can have a good time just BEING.  It’s great sometimes to just be.  I wish people got that.

I don’t need to be like everyone else….that’s what great about being me.  And, I am perfectly okay with that.

Perhaps.  I will have to think on this.  Hmmm….

His twin brother, my uncle Barney, moved very far away a few weeks ago.

I try to keep in touch with him as best I can.  You don’t realize when your 21 how valuable hearing someone’s voice is.

We had the opportunity to hear him play two songs…they were beautiful – in words and in spirit.  It was hard to hear his voice, his song – but he was there today.  In the room with us.  You could feel it.

Music has a way of healing and haunting.  It did both for me today.

Then, I came home and resurrected a CD that I have not listened to in a very long time.

untogether by Lori Yates.  I wore it out when I first got it.

One song in particular.  Healing and haunting me at the same time.  Damn music.

I loved you like a river

I made myself very clear

Look for me at the shoreline

I’m standing right here

Don’t dismiss it now you don’t need to

–  Sweetest Times

She never comes to greet me when I come home.  Most often she hisses at me as I’m walking up the stairs before she sees me.  Her personality bounces well off my other cat who is a larger lumbering tabby with a whining heart of gold….just feed him.  Otherwise, he’s just annoying.

All of this to say, she will come within nose sniffing distance of my hand if she’s feeling generous.  It’s a mood thing.  The ONLY (and I stress that word for a reason) time she will let me really “touch” her is when I’m lying down, either couch or bed.  It’s like she knows when I’m not threatening.  She’ll come up, look for love, walk on my legs taking the short cut rather than around me, and generally lap up any attention I give her.  She doesn’t have to rationalize her behaviour.  She just is.  I accept her.  She’s a great little cat.  I wouldn’t trade her for anything.

She has her boundaries, but they change.  Not that they make sense to me, but they must be instinctively with her for a reason.  She was a little stray when she was given to me.  Just a few weeks old.  I’ve never laid a finger on her (how could I?).  She just is the way she is.

Before 2000, say, I always did something different, to stand apart from other people.  I even made all of my own Hallowe’en costumes, for example.  I wasn’t afraid to be different.

Between 2003 and 2007, all I wanted to do was blend in.  I didn’t want anyone to pay attention to me.  I only realize now how truly unhappy I was.  I’m not sure if it has something to do with the work environment, but I think so.  It’s very conformist.

I was born an artist, I have always been creative, and I will continue to be.  I think some people are frightened by their own creative potential.

I might have temporarily misplaced some of me along the way, but I’m still all here….waiting for me to fall in love again.