Monthly Archives: July 2011

The phenomenon of being….

Seems as though people have a going concern for my well being.  I appreciate it, but when I’m asked multiple times a day, about a variety of things….concerning my existence, I tend to get miffed.  Let me explain, in great detail.

I went to a cottage party Friday night and Saturday.  I met some new people, as well as caught up with some other people I know from around town.

On Saturday, as soon as I got back to the party, in the middle of the afternoon, one fellow I met asked me if I had a bathing suit.  I was dressed in a black throw meshy style top, over my black bra, and a pair of black stretchy pants that weren’t really heavy so I wouldn’t overheat.  No, I didn’t have a bathing suit.  No?  Nope, I don’t swim.  You don’t swim?  Nope.  Everyone swims.  No, dude, there are lots of people who don’t swim.  (There are lots of people at this party, in fact, who aren’t swimming).  I laughed and walked away.

I snuck out for a bit and went to get some food.  I stopped in at another friend’s place who lives close by.  She says, why aren’t you in shorts?  Because I burn.  Well, wear sunscreen.  I don’t like sunscreen, it makes my skin feel gross.  Well, you’re going to overheat in those pants.  No, they aren’t really pants, they are actually quite light.  Yeah, but they’re black.  I will sit in the shade.  It hasn’t been a problem yet.  (I’ve been dressing myself for years…I think I can manage).

So, I get back to the party.

I’m quietly sitting on a porch, taking everything in.  You see, I do alot of things during my week.  I’m always running around.  It is a rare weekend where I sit for hours on end and do nothing.  I’m overjoyed to be outside, in the country, on a lake, DOING NOTHING.  If people want to talk to me, that’s fine….but I don’t always need company to be happy.

Another fellow I know walks over and asks me what’s wrong.  Nothing, absolutely nothing.  You’re very quiet.  Yep, I like it that way.  People think you’re anti-social.  So?  Well, I haven’t even seen you down by the fire.  I was there for a half an hour (two different times, talking to another cute guy I know).  Oh, I didn’t see you.  (And somehow this has become my problem…?)

A little later, I’m sitting on the porch again, doing nothing.  Guy from bathing suit interlude asks me if I want a beer.  I say no.  He gets one and pulls a chair up way too close to mine.  Do you like the fire?  Yep?  Are you having a good time?  Yep?  Do you want a beer?  Dude, you just asked me 30 seconds ago if I wanted a beer.  What about my answer do you think is going to have changed from the time you got yours until now when you are putting your chair practically in my lap?  You are a dominant one, aren’t you?  I just want to be left alone.  Oh, me too, I am always alone.  No, I want to be left alone.  Yeah, me too, I find that I am always alone.  NO, DUDE, there’s a difference, I WANT to be left alone.  Do you understand?  Well, then why are you here?  I was invited to the party.  Well, the party isn’t on the porch, the party is on the other side.  You’re right, thank you for pointing that out to me, I’m going to go.  (I’m wondering if it’s when people see my blond hair that they think I’m incapable of thinking for myself….or people are just controlling, and I happen to attract them…I’m not sure.)

I went and put my stuff away, and quietly went and sat in my car for a few minutes to collect myself.

I get it.  I look like I’m not having a good time.  I’m not like other people.  I can have a good time staring at the sky for 3 hours.  I can have a good time with my eyes closed thinking.  I can have a good time just BEING.  It’s great sometimes to just be.  I wish people got that.

I don’t need to be like everyone else….that’s what great about being me.  And, I am perfectly okay with that.





Being open to experiences…

My friend and I were joking tonight that I must have turrets with a sprinkle of amnesia (new DSMV term: Turnesia.  I will let them know).  When I recount a story that happens to me, and the nature of the dramatic events in the story, she thinks that I must have instigated something to cause the wholly unpredictable “event” to happen.  No, I confidently tell her.  Not at all.  Perhaps I do have amnesia because it often seems that what happens must have been precipatated by something!  I try not to actively look for drama, or at least I don’t think I do (one of my secret life goals is to be an eccentric recluse, so how can that be?), BUT, it always seems to find me.  I’m a magnet.  But then I think!  What great stories and experiences I have.  And maybe that’s it.  I’m fairly open to experiences….and maybe that’s part of it.  When you’re open, it doesn’t matter if you’re looking or not.  Things come your way….good and bad.

Perhaps.  I will have to think on this.  Hmmm….