Monthly Archives: October 2011

Got a letter from a messenger…

I read it when it came
It said that you were wounded
You were bound and chained
You had love and you were handled
You were poisoned you were pained
Oh no, oh no you were naked
You were shamed

You could almost touch heaven
Right there in front of you
Liberty just slipped away on us
Now there’s so much work to do
Oh the door that closes tightly
Is the door than can swing wide
Oh no, not expecting to collide

For a minute I let my guard down
Not afraid to be found out
I completely forgot dear
What our fears were all about
Oh no,oh no there’s no need to be without

If there’s a chance I would take it,
This desire I won’t kill,
Take my heart please don’t break it, break it
I will crawl to your foothill

I’m frightened but i’m coming
Please baby please lay still
Oh no i’m not coming for the kill
Oh no i’m not coming for the kill
Oh no i’m not coming for the kill

—  The Tea Party, The Messenger

Three themes I’m thinking about today….messages and trust and control.  I’m a little all over the map, so please stay with me.

Messages come to us through language – the words we speak or write, the bodies we see.  We are soft machines.  Our bodies give our thoughts away most of the time.  The little movements of the muscles in our faces, mostly out of our control.  Invisible strings directly from our most interior thoughts to the surface of our skin.  And our hands too.  They touch places of comfort, self-soothing behaviours we have learned to use for our own benefit.

How we reveal our most interior MESSAGES…..we reveal it through TRUST.

The Messenger, to me, is about TRUST.  There is no greater divide between yourself and what you want or between two people than the absence of TRUST.

The opposite of TRUST is CONTROL.  We really control so little, and even less when we come in contact with another soul.  I can stay safe if I remain a hermit, isolate myself so that I may control my entire domain.  That’s not living.  That’s not feeling the scream of your heart in your chest because you want someone to be a witness to your life.  You want to be seen for who you truly are.

Friendships and soulwork are messy businesses to step into.  Friendships, while giving you a place to reveal, is also a place of potential (and extreme) vulnerability.  Those you reveal to can use what they know against you.

Soulwork is where you confront yourself.  Where you let loose the reins of control so your life can take on a different hue.  What is it that you have not even revealed to yourself?

I’ve been studying the soul for nearly 20 years through the writings and teachings of Thomas Moore and James Hillman.

I’m not an expert.  But I’m human, which gives me a right to formulate an opinion…

I’ve talked about TRUST before, boundaries and comfort levels of my little cat, Patchie.  she’s been in my life for what….8 years.

She still doesn’t trust me.  Not completely.

Imagine.  An animal that has no other way to survive, other than me feeding her, and one of the few times she will let me get close to her is when I’m in bed, lying prone, not necessarily sleeping…but certainly in a position that is much less threatening than standing.  Not long ago, she jumped up on the couch beside me, while I was sitting.  I thought it was a huge jump forward.  It only took 8 years.

People show you who they are, either through their actions or their words.

I once had someone tell me that they were a bitch.  I didn’t believe them, because they “seemed” sweet and nice.  Several years later, they showed me.  Loud, clear, the message was delivered.  She was angry, words and actions were said and done, and in my behaviour there was something she did not want to confront or that she wanted me to acknowledge.  And then, I was the one being yelled obscenities at as I stood on the corner of Parkdale and Armstrong in Ottawa.  It wasn’t pleasant.

It takes a strong person to stand and deliver on the tides of the soul.  On the hurt that’s there.  On the shit that we’ve been dealt.

The things we do to one another because we hurt….it’s a wonder the human race has survived this long.

Hurt (Nine Inch Nails)

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that’s real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar’s chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way