Lots of things have changed, most notably me, but other things I’m only going to share in private conversations.
I took an Intensive Acting class in November, nearly killed me…. but it opened me up in ways I didn’t believe I could. Acting is TOUGH BUSINESS… and I have an immense fear of performance. I’m good in small groups, but in front of a “crowd”, it’s just not really “me”.
At the same time I was also doing pretty intensive Reiki, and that was fantastic. If you get the chance to do this, you must. If you open yourself to the experience, you might not be the same.
Been doing lots of self-reflection exercises and whatnot and I’m learning to let go of some strange inner conflict that I didn’t know I had. Part of realizing what that was, was also realizing the types of people I’m attracted to. They too, have all kinds of nasty inner conflict. I’m not sure if others are immune to some of it, but I think I’m attracted to the particularly destructive kind. The drunk, destructive kind. I’m working on that too.
Had a fun night at NYE 2012 in Montreal. I was told that I was particularly brave for showing up alone to the event. It felt alright to me. I had lots of fun. I knew that some others were on their way. But, part of that is me getting back to being me.
And from now on, that’s the only person I’m going to be. If that means I’m too nice, too smart, too kind, or too “good” for someone, that’s their problem… certainly not mine. They can suck it.
And if I have to, I’ll kill everyone with kindness. And think, that person could be dead by midnight. Who am I to not treat them well? I know I won’t always get the same in return, but if I did everything in my life as a way to get something from someone else, well hell, I’d be sadly disappointed ALL THE TIME… I would have likely given up on humanity by now. But, thankfully, there are other kind souls out there who share some of the same qualities I do.
You reap what you sow, indeed.