Impact

I went to see The Vow yesterday with a good friend of mine, my best friend really.  We’ve known each other for 37+ years.

The movie itself was interesting.  My friend works with adults with brain injuries…  what the movie it about.  Imagine, waking up from an impact and not remembering your life.  Some, I’m sure, would welcome it.  You get a redo, a chance to go back and start again.  I can’t even imagine.

The movie plays heavy on the idea that life is a series of moments that impact us.  From conception on really, if you choose to look at the big picture.  I tend to believe this is true.

I’ve had a few – the last big one I had was in Fall of 2006 and the most recent big one was October 8, 2011.  In 2006 it was with a hydro pole, in October it was with a person.  2006 – Physically; 2011 – Emotionally.  Either way, it brought me to a place of being more consciously aware.  I think of it like peeling an onion.

I’ve had other ones along the way – meeting people, getting to work with people.  Changing jobs, etc.

What do we do with those opportunities where something is in front of us?  Do we notice them when they happen?  The big ones we have to live through, for good or bad.  The small ones might be so small that they go unnoticed until years later.

I can tell you one thing – the emotional ones sometimes leave you breathless.  You live with your emotions everyday…  how can they be so…  unknown?  But, you make concessions, and you make excuses.  At some point, like when I decided to go to Greco, you have to stop making excuses…even for the people you want to remain in your life.

There’s drama attached to those big moments of impact —  at least there is for me.  I used to think that I didn’t like drama, but man, when I’m in it, I’m in it.  It’s hard to step out of that fucking river sometimes.  It’s familiar — the unpredictable nature of emotions, mistrust and deprivation.  It’s seductive.  I know it.  But, at least now I know what I’m feeling.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter 5
I walk down another street.


~ Portia Nelson ~

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About mizmulligan


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