Monthly Archives: November 2012

Being clear about what you want…

When you focus on the things you don’t want, they take over your life without you even realizing you’re doing it to yourself most of the time. When you start to focus on the things you do want, then they have a place to move into your life.

At each point, I’ve wanted what I wanted, on some level. And eventually I outgrew or changed my mind on those things… But the trick is being attuned to your feelings enough so that when there is an incongruency, you can find your way to the next thing more quickly rather than feel trapped, or comatose to what’s happening, or angry that you’ve lost your freedom. Many occupations are setup to be comfortable for some payout at the end. It’s not always easy stepping into a place that has very little in the way of safety netting, but it’s possible. I’m doing it.

As for the things I want now? I’m trying to keep it general enough so I can be happy with what shows up, although maybe on the last point I’m a little fickle.

Here’s my want list:

I want to continue to be involved with making movies and television or web content: writing, producing, creating somehow, and helping out in other capacities where I’m needed. It’s the events of the last few years that opened my heart to the fact this was possible and necessary for me. I’ve found no other place like it.

I want to get more involved with music – as spectator and participant. I was a huge music fan when I was a kid and its even written in my year book that the most likely place I’d end up is handing out flyers for bands in LA. I would sacrifice sleep to listen to interviews with bands on the radio, and bother relatives to tape things off of MTV for me. I also want to see as many live shows as I can and although it can sometimes be dangerous, I want to be as close to the action on stage as humanly possible.

I just started writing song lyrics, which is like writing poetry, but it presents different challenges… Because, like making movies, song lyrics are about layering other talents on top and around them. A poem can exist on it’s own.

I want to continue to travel. I was very fortunate to be able to see various parts of this country while working – Halifax, Iqaluit, Calgary, Regina, Vancouver, Victoria; and some cities in the US – Orlando, San Diego, Washington. I’ve been to New York twice too (both times were way too short), and Buffalo.

I did a solo trip to Ireland in 2003, and a friend trip to France in 2007…. More to come, I can assure you. First stop Mardi Gras.

I want to continue to live in a vibrant city, but being a country girl at heart, there is a need sometimes to get away and breathe in some fresh air, sit by a lake or a river and just be. I need to be able to look up and see a starry filled sky, and hear wild animals. Which is very achievable here in Ottawa. We’re really lucky to be so close to the country here.

I want to spend more time with family and friends.

As for a primary relationship, I’m still defining that, but I’m becoming more clear on what I don’t want by being exposed to situations that cause me discomfort. I think that everything is part of the process. In the meantime, I’m going to make the best of whatever situation I find myself in.

That’s all for now folks. It’s been a good week here…



Last year in acting class, I learned about recognizing and working with impulses – those things that spur us on to do things that would appear out of the norm for our character and that take us somewhere we haven’t been before. They’re natural and everyone has them, and they actually bring you closer to who you really are. Within reason of course. Don’t go rob a bank or anything… There are rules.

Impulses call from deeper inside you. It’s like you aren’t under the influence of the lizard brain that holds you back from the things you want for fear of failure.

Sex is the most powerful impulse as it spurs co-creation and driving your genetic code forward in time… Like your own time machine… And if we were more like animals we wouldn’t have had the will to demonize the very thing which brings everyone into existence. It’s kinda ridiculous when you think about it. Man, humans can be stupid sometimes…

I digress… Back to the story.

Over the last few years, when I have acted on impulse, things have worked out… Heck… As far back as me putting in my résumé at Wallack’s, having no fine art degree, to making the decision to go back into Electronics, when I was working at an arts store, so I could finish my second diploma, to applying for a job in the RCMP, to meeting and shadowing a former PM for a day, to meeting Thomas Moore, to working for Alex Epstein, to starting a screenwriting group, to having my screenplays produced here in Ottawa and going to festivals, to recently deciding to leave my government occupation for the time being.

Aligning with where you want to go, knowing that it already exists for you, and allowing things to happen… Not always easy, but necessary.

Where I haven’t always acted on impulse is when it comes to affecting other people and their lives. Upsetting the apple cart, so to speak. I hold back most of the time because when I have acted on impulse, situations tend to turn out shitty and I shut down. I wasn’t paying attention to the other person, and I was never in a good place. But, you learn from these things, and you take experience along with you. There was one distinct event that occurred, which had I acted upon may or may not have precipitated a different outcome… I’ll never know for sure. But what I do know is this. I have to become a little more selfish in the things I want. Not in an arrogant way, just more direct. And not be attached to the outcome, but hopeful in knowing that whatever happens will change me somehow.

On another note:

I had a chat with a friend today, and she was talking about how she can be intense. I think we’re alike that way. I need to learn how to turn that down and turn some other things up to enjoy this ride a little more… Because when I do, it’s usually really fun.

Oh, and on more or less of an impulse, I bought an electronic drum kit… After my Rockband adventure a few weekends ago… They’re fun, and I think it’s the kind of instrument that meets my level of intensity. Maybe I wasn’t in love with Blas Elias from Slaughter… Maybe I wanted to be Blas Elais from Slaughter… Either way I’m gonna have fun crashing around on those.

And I wrote a song. And I’m taking voice coaching. And apparently I’ve agreed to record this song. We’ll see how that goes. Trying new things is fun.

Old Stereo – EP dropped today!

My friend Shaun’s band, Old Stereo, released an EP today.  Totally excited for them!  I had the pleasure of first meeting them, and getting a taste of their music briefly, on the set of Mary Mae last year while filming the Hallowe’en Party scene.

Over the last year, I’ve seen them play at The Rainbow and other places around Ottawa.  They’re cool cats.  And Shaun knows beer!

Here’s a making of video to wet your whistle.

Check it out.  Then buy their awesome music.

On CD Baby, or iTunes.

Saying goodbye for a while…

I was wondering why over the past few months I was feeling disconnected from everyone…  I have all these ridiculously wonderful friends that I love, that I never see.  I see their posts on Facebook, and I see them doing things at a distance.  I hang out with some of my new friend folks from time to time, but not my super close friends.  Not my childhood friends.

A former co-worker contacted me today to find out where I was…  I had dropped off the radar of work life.  He noticed, because that’s the way he is.  Then I realized I hadn’t talked to another friend I had worked with for YEARS in over a year.  I immediately called her to reconnect.

I was wondering if I was alone in the way I felt.  I am not.

Facebook is real in the way that money is real.  It’s a representation, a currency.  It’s the thing between friends.  It serves a purpose, but it’s slowly becoming less and less important to me.

I’m going to be signing off Facebook for a while, that portion anyway.  I still have several things I manage that I’ll have to check in on, but I’m effectively taking everyone out of the Newsfeed.  I tried it for a few weeks now, cutting down on the noise, and it seems to be working.

I still have an interest in what’s going on with you, and I want to hear about and share in your life.  But, I’d rather go for a coffee, or catch up over lunch or a beer at one of Ottawa’s fabulous new breweries.  They’re all over the place.  If you want to do that, check my Contact Page.  I’m around and I love to chat.

If I’m involved with something, please continue to send me messages on Facebook.  I will check, but it just may be more sporadic, and I usually get items sent to my phone.

Neil Young and Crazy Horse

Had the chance to see a living legend tonight…  Neil Young rocked the house.  He’s a trooper.

He sings about love.  Finding it, losing it, wanting it, fucking it up.

He gets me.  At one point I thought he was singing to me…   Singer Without A Song

It was pretty special.

Inspires me to keep writing songs…

Thrift Store Shopping…

When I was a kid, in the late 70s and early 80s, my Great Aunt Bea lived across the street from the large French church on Wellington Street. I can only imagine that was a fairly poor and rough part of town at that time. Now it’s gentrified, and you can buy your five dollar coffee like any other gentrified part of town… (Yes, I’m guilty of liking Second Cup specialty coffee)…

I have these snippets of memories with her and my mom as we would go to the thrift stores to buy stuff after watching the game shows. There were a few places we would go, and I didn’t know anything about anything back then because I loved to spend time in thrift stores in Shawville, looking at stuff. The church bazaar, I think it was called. Anyway…

You grow up, and you start making money, and the world tells you that material items are important only if they’re new. And that’s bullshit, but you believe them. And people buy you gifts, and you accumulate stuff, and then you have to look after this stuff. And move it with you. And sometimes you sell it or throw it out.

Then you fall in love with antiques, but people want you to restore them. And that’s bullshit too because a thing has a history, and lines and wrinkles, that give it character. Old things, made not to fall apart, or replace next month, have permanency.

And the world tells you that last year’s model of something is no longer good. And that the thing you bought needs to be upgraded.

Then you get to a certain point… You realize you don’t really need much to get along. And you don’t need 45 pairs of shoes, or $150 jeans.

We work to survive boredom, or maybe as an easy way to get paid for our boredom. And we work to pay for things that we often don’t need, because we’re told we need them.

I still love my little computer luxuries… But I would rather have a pint of beer with someone, or a nice bottle of wine, than something outrageous.

One of my favourite stores now: Value Village, or Salvation Army, or another store like that. I try to avoid malls, and commonality as much as I can. I like unique gems. Finding those things that have permanency.

It’s a smart way to live in a world that already has too much stuff.

Astrology and Beliefs of Man

I’ve been doing work in an online meditation series through a Deepak Chopra foundation. I don’t know how this revelation came to me tonight… But here goes.

Astrology is a way to dramatize the sky. There really are no constellations of a Scorpion or two Fish chasing tails. We made that up, and we all bought into it. Like other works of fiction, those stories make our own lives more interesting, and entertain us while we’re here.

I’m sure celestial knowledge has made people rich. I understand that previous societies used the stars for navigation and other more practical things. But can’t you see the need to provide a stage for stories to unfold. Stars want nothing, but we give them names and back stories like characters in a novel or a movie. We give them depth and emotion… We give them purpose. Like the Chinese astrology gives to their animals.

You know what we also give all these stories and representatives? The responsibility for our lives… Like many people who read various versions of the bible. We can say, well that’s what it says… So who am I to be a free person?

Astrological books would have us believe the same thing. I’m a Virgo, so I must be one way or another. That’s crap. You wake up every morning, and if the sky was full of Jello instead of stars we’d be reading the patterns to see where we should plan out next vacation. It’s all made up to give away the responsibility of our actions and choices. Hell, the calendar we know was created and changed to suit the Catholic Church, and other countries in the world do not even ascribe to it. Much the same way there are hundreds of Gods we all pray to.

I’m reminded of the lyrics by Poison…

Just give me something to believe in…

Because when things are tough and shitty, it’s easy to displace all that responsibility somewhere else so we can be the messy selves that we are… And look at how easy it is to do… People have created the maps for you to get there…

Now we just have to choose our own path.

I was also watching a lot of Tim Minchin YouTube videos this week. Gots me thinking about many things…

That’s all for now. G’night.