Category Archives: Love

Being clear about what you want…

When you focus on the things you don’t want, they take over your life without you even realizing you’re doing it to yourself most of the time. When you start to focus on the things you do want, then they have a place to move into your life.

At each point, I’ve wanted what I wanted, on some level. And eventually I outgrew or changed my mind on those things… But the trick is being attuned to your feelings enough so that when there is an incongruency, you can find your way to the next thing more quickly rather than feel trapped, or comatose to what’s happening, or angry that you’ve lost your freedom. Many occupations are setup to be comfortable for some payout at the end. It’s not always easy stepping into a place that has very little in the way of safety netting, but it’s possible. I’m doing it.

As for the things I want now? I’m trying to keep it general enough so I can be happy with what shows up, although maybe on the last point I’m a little fickle.

Here’s my want list:

I want to continue to be involved with making movies and television or web content: writing, producing, creating somehow, and helping out in other capacities where I’m needed. It’s the events of the last few years that opened my heart to the fact this was possible and necessary for me. I’ve found no other place like it.

I want to get more involved with music – as spectator and participant. I was a huge music fan when I was a kid and its even written in my year book that the most likely place I’d end up is handing out flyers for bands in LA. I would sacrifice sleep to listen to interviews with bands on the radio, and bother relatives to tape things off of MTV for me. I also want to see as many live shows as I can and although it can sometimes be dangerous, I want to be as close to the action on stage as humanly possible.

I just started writing song lyrics, which is like writing poetry, but it presents different challenges… Because, like making movies, song lyrics are about layering other talents on top and around them. A poem can exist on it’s own.

I want to continue to travel. I was very fortunate to be able to see various parts of this country while working – Halifax, Iqaluit, Calgary, Regina, Vancouver, Victoria; and some cities in the US – Orlando, San Diego, Washington. I’ve been to New York twice too (both times were way too short), and Buffalo.

I did a solo trip to Ireland in 2003, and a friend trip to France in 2007…. More to come, I can assure you. First stop Mardi Gras.

I want to continue to live in a vibrant city, but being a country girl at heart, there is a need sometimes to get away and breathe in some fresh air, sit by a lake or a river and just be. I need to be able to look up and see a starry filled sky, and hear wild animals. Which is very achievable here in Ottawa. We’re really lucky to be so close to the country here.

I want to spend more time with family and friends.

As for a primary relationship, I’m still defining that, but I’m becoming more clear on what I don’t want by being exposed to situations that cause me discomfort. I think that everything is part of the process. In the meantime, I’m going to make the best of whatever situation I find myself in.

That’s all for now folks. It’s been a good week here…

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Neil Young and Crazy Horse

Had the chance to see a living legend tonight…  Neil Young rocked the house.  He’s a trooper.

He sings about love.  Finding it, losing it, wanting it, fucking it up.

He gets me.  At one point I thought he was singing to me…   Singer Without A Song

It was pretty special.

Inspires me to keep writing songs…


Death and song…and love…and everything else

A gathering happened today at the Manx Pub on Elgin (I named my cat Manx after that pub).  It was to celebrate the life of John Lavery.  I didn’t know him well, certainly not as well as others in the room.  I still miss him.

We had the opportunity to hear him play two songs…they were beautiful – in words and in spirit.  It was hard to hear his voice, his song – but he was there today.  In the room with us.  You could feel it.

Music has a way of healing and haunting.  It did both for me today.

Then, I came home and resurrected a CD that I have not listened to in a very long time.

untogether by Lori Yates.  I wore it out when I first got it.

One song in particular.  Healing and haunting me at the same time.  Damn music.

 

I loved you like a river

I made myself very clear

Look for me at the shoreline

I’m standing right here

Don’t dismiss it now you don’t need to

—  Sweetest Times

 


Things I think about sometimes…

I reread the book The Story of the Eye today.  Compelling.  Have you read it?  It’s not for everyone…  This was the second time through, a borrowed copy, and rereading it so I could discuss with a friend who was good enough to lend it to me….I had a strange dream after, involving this friend attempting to feed me exotic fruit.

And other things on my mind today…..

To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don’t want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.– Madonna

There’s always one who loves and one who lets himself be loved.  W. Somerset Maugham, ‘Of Human Bondage’, 1915; English dramatist & novelist (1874 – 1965)

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” — Neil Gaiman