Category Archives: Philosophy

Being clear about what you want…

When you focus on the things you don’t want, they take over your life without you even realizing you’re doing it to yourself most of the time. When you start to focus on the things you do want, then they have a place to move into your life.

At each point, I’ve wanted what I wanted, on some level. And eventually I outgrew or changed my mind on those things… But the trick is being attuned to your feelings enough so that when there is an incongruency, you can find your way to the next thing more quickly rather than feel trapped, or comatose to what’s happening, or angry that you’ve lost your freedom. Many occupations are setup to be comfortable for some payout at the end. It’s not always easy stepping into a place that has very little in the way of safety netting, but it’s possible. I’m doing it.

As for the things I want now? I’m trying to keep it general enough so I can be happy with what shows up, although maybe on the last point I’m a little fickle.

Here’s my want list:

I want to continue to be involved with making movies and television or web content: writing, producing, creating somehow, and helping out in other capacities where I’m needed. It’s the events of the last few years that opened my heart to the fact this was possible and necessary for me. I’ve found no other place like it.

I want to get more involved with music – as spectator and participant. I was a huge music fan when I was a kid and its even written in my year book that the most likely place I’d end up is handing out flyers for bands in LA. I would sacrifice sleep to listen to interviews with bands on the radio, and bother relatives to tape things off of MTV for me. I also want to see as many live shows as I can and although it can sometimes be dangerous, I want to be as close to the action on stage as humanly possible.

I just started writing song lyrics, which is like writing poetry, but it presents different challenges… Because, like making movies, song lyrics are about layering other talents on top and around them. A poem can exist on it’s own.

I want to continue to travel. I was very fortunate to be able to see various parts of this country while working – Halifax, Iqaluit, Calgary, Regina, Vancouver, Victoria; and some cities in the US – Orlando, San Diego, Washington. I’ve been to New York twice too (both times were way too short), and Buffalo.

I did a solo trip to Ireland in 2003, and a friend trip to France in 2007…. More to come, I can assure you. First stop Mardi Gras.

I want to continue to live in a vibrant city, but being a country girl at heart, there is a need sometimes to get away and breathe in some fresh air, sit by a lake or a river and just be. I need to be able to look up and see a starry filled sky, and hear wild animals. Which is very achievable here in Ottawa. We’re really lucky to be so close to the country here.

I want to spend more time with family and friends.

As for a primary relationship, I’m still defining that, but I’m becoming more clear on what I don’t want by being exposed to situations that cause me discomfort. I think that everything is part of the process. In the meantime, I’m going to make the best of whatever situation I find myself in.

That’s all for now folks. It’s been a good week here…


Neil Young and Crazy Horse

Had the chance to see a living legend tonight…  Neil Young rocked the house.  He’s a trooper.

He sings about love.  Finding it, losing it, wanting it, fucking it up.

He gets me.  At one point I thought he was singing to me…   Singer Without A Song

It was pretty special.

Inspires me to keep writing songs…

Astrology and Beliefs of Man

I’ve been doing work in an online meditation series through a Deepak Chopra foundation. I don’t know how this revelation came to me tonight… But here goes.

Astrology is a way to dramatize the sky. There really are no constellations of a Scorpion or two Fish chasing tails. We made that up, and we all bought into it. Like other works of fiction, those stories make our own lives more interesting, and entertain us while we’re here.

I’m sure celestial knowledge has made people rich. I understand that previous societies used the stars for navigation and other more practical things. But can’t you see the need to provide a stage for stories to unfold. Stars want nothing, but we give them names and back stories like characters in a novel or a movie. We give them depth and emotion… We give them purpose. Like the Chinese astrology gives to their animals.

You know what we also give all these stories and representatives? The responsibility for our lives… Like many people who read various versions of the bible. We can say, well that’s what it says… So who am I to be a free person?

Astrological books would have us believe the same thing. I’m a Virgo, so I must be one way or another. That’s crap. You wake up every morning, and if the sky was full of Jello instead of stars we’d be reading the patterns to see where we should plan out next vacation. It’s all made up to give away the responsibility of our actions and choices. Hell, the calendar we know was created and changed to suit the Catholic Church, and other countries in the world do not even ascribe to it. Much the same way there are hundreds of Gods we all pray to.

I’m reminded of the lyrics by Poison…

Just give me something to believe in…

Because when things are tough and shitty, it’s easy to displace all that responsibility somewhere else so we can be the messy selves that we are… And look at how easy it is to do… People have created the maps for you to get there…

Now we just have to choose our own path.

I was also watching a lot of Tim Minchin YouTube videos this week. Gots me thinking about many things…

That’s all for now. G’night.

The FEAR of being found out…

Had an interesting conversation tonight with some of my fellow writing peeps…  We were discussing the FEAR we have of being found out that we actually don’t know what the hell we’re doing most of the time as a “writer” or an “artist” or an “employee” or “whatever it is you really really want to be”.

We fret and regret about the outcomes of things that have happened, and we worry about the things that haven’t happened yet.  We have a hard time living in this moment.  Breathing into the fear.

Some people boldly go.  They take giant leaps without looking, and fake it til the make it on through.  I’ve had conversations with these people.  Generally, it’s all worked out well.  They break ground and they make things happen. Caution to the wind.  Explorers without a map or a compass.  They might be screwed, or they might discover something great.  Like failure.

Nothing teaches you more about life, love, art, and death, than failure.  Nothing.  You remove masks when you fail.  It peels away your skin.  It exposes you for who you really are, as opposed to the person you think you should or want to be.

We might be insane to worry about things that haven’t happened yet, but I think we all might do it from time to time.  The story in our head is sometimes much worse than anything that could happen.  We lie and say everything’s alright to make ourselves feel better.  We give our greatest FEAR legs by imagining it into existence.

Your mind does create your reality.  If we do something in one direction, it doesn’t mean you close yourself off to all other directions, it just means that you haven’t gotten to where you need to be yet, and that’s okay.

It’s okay to be spontaneous and impatient sometimes.  It gets you to see things in a different way.  It moves you in a direction.

It’s okay to not let FEAR run your life all the time.




The secret

I read this really fascinating book on the weekend called “Sex at Dawn” (thanks, Kris!). Not just a book about the fundamental differences between men, women, and our historical and anthropological sexuality – when we had a much more liberal and openly promiscuous and healthy view of sex minus all the bullshit that religion shoves down our collective throats – this book is about much more.

It outlines that much of our world and how our ancestors lived in it changed as a result of agriculture, and not necessarily for the better. Not at all for the better…Actually. Land became property and the only way that one could get more of it is if you agreed to “marry into the family” and have babies to look after things. Or you could take the land through war. Marrying money meant that on paper you had an exchange of one resource for another – the use of a woman’s vagina and womb for land rights. Pleasant.

Personally, the only thing better for me in this era is that I get to be here to experience this life… And no one exchanged me for an acre of land, thank god. And, surely at my age, I might have been dead already living in most other times in human history. If things had not worked out as they have, I wouldn’t be here to write this. Aren’t you lucky? So, it’s a double edged sword.

After all, we are just intelligent lumbering apes who are occupying our time until we die. We eat, sleep, fuck and shit, and still manage to find time to love one another somehow and be productive… I know, uplifting, isn’t it?

But seriously. Why are we doing stupid shit that doesn’t matter? And why have we been doing it for so long? What is wealth anyway and why are people so goddamn hungry for it? I think change, and it better come fast, is in order.

As I watched some footage tonight about the protests in Montreal, and then watched a short video where someone said that the $1 trillion dollars the US spent on Iraq was worth it (to whom? Of course to Haliburton, et. al.), several things all coalesced in my sleepy brain:

1. Everything is made up (that’s not a new one for me if you know me at all…)

2. We certainly spend a lot of money on things that don’t matter… In the name of religion, imaginary borders, soul-sucking corporations, and our fear of mortality. There are major imbalances between what we think is right and what actually may be right.

3. We are mostly by-products of chaos. There’s no rhyme or reason, there just is. People make too much of things, and for all intents and purposes, I probably believe in some sort of universal power force, but “he” certainly isn’t a dad, doesn’t have a name and I’m sure his zombie son didn’t resurrect 2000 years ago. Call me crazy.

4. Some higher power must have a sense of humour if they granted humans “higher” intelligence…. ’cause what do we do with it? Dig up land and fling bits of it at one another, and slowly kill ourselves and each other in the process. What could we be doing with it? Absolutely anything.

We be dumb, dumb apes.


Definition: To burst or break forth with a sudden and transient flood of flame and light; as, the lighting flashes vividly; the powder flashed.

Everything could be over before you know it.  All the love, worry, happiness, and loss.  Here one day, gone the next.  Sure, most of us aren’t on death’s door, but you just never know when you won’t see a loved one again, or even someone like your butcher or your hair dresser, or the lady who smiles at you when you’re in line with your groceries at 1:20am.  You never know when they might not see you again.  You know the saying, “Gone in a flash.”

Life has these amazing moments.  They might be little – like a spark – or big – like a falling star.  They might tell you something, they might light up a way through a hard time.

Could be a coincidence.  Could be divine intervention.  Could be a hundred things.  Could be nothing.

People are like that too.  They may not be “flashy”, but there is something about them that burns – either like sparks from hot embers, or like a sudden burst of light.  They’re fiery individuals, who once met, will change your life.

Either way, you are transformed.



Been away for three months…

Lots of things have changed, most notably me, but other things I’m only going to share in private conversations.

I took an Intensive Acting class in November, nearly killed me…. but it opened me up in ways I didn’t believe I could.  Acting is TOUGH BUSINESS… and I have an immense fear of performance.  I’m good in small groups, but in front of a “crowd”, it’s just not really “me”.

At the same time I was also doing pretty intensive Reiki, and that was fantastic.  If you get the chance to do this, you must.  If you open yourself to the experience, you might not be the same.

Been doing lots of self-reflection exercises and whatnot and I’m learning to let go of some strange inner conflict that I didn’t know I had.  Part of realizing what that was, was also realizing the types of people I’m attracted to.  They too, have all kinds of nasty inner conflict.  I’m not sure if others are immune to some of it, but I think I’m attracted to the particularly destructive kind.  The drunk, destructive kind.  I’m working on that too.

Had a fun night at NYE 2012 in Montreal.  I was told that I was particularly brave for showing up alone to the event.  It felt alright to me.  I had lots of fun.  I knew that some others were on their way.  But, part of that is me getting back to being me.

And from now on, that’s the only person I’m going to be.  If that means I’m too nice, too smart, too kind, or too “good” for someone, that’s their problem…  certainly not mine.  They can suck it.

And if I have to, I’ll kill everyone with kindness.  And think, that person could be dead by midnight.  Who am I to not treat them well?  I know I won’t always get the same in return, but if I did everything in my life as a way to get something from someone else, well hell, I’d be sadly disappointed ALL THE TIME…  I would have likely given up on humanity by now.  But, thankfully, there are other kind souls out there who share some of the same qualities I do.

You reap what you sow, indeed.